ToRn bY strING of THORNS

eXACtly like when i revisited the website to confirm my unsuccessful application for jpa scholarship, i did the same for my oxford application...but the subtle difference with this time round is that it hit me way harder...i was much calmer when i reconfirm the news at ucas and did a little thinking why was the news so hard to stomach...and i figured out...at least i think i did....well asean scholarship was some sort of recognition that i can tolerate with insane level of stress and 'kiasusm' and therefore it was my prior goal back in secondary school to be able to blend myself in those scary junior colleges in spore....and failing the application did hit me quite hard as it was a 'long-term goal' and securing a merit award wasn't something i wanted (merit awards only includes the tuition fees)..so moving on...next was jpa scholarships and bank negara scholarships... was quite sad about not getting jpa after the interview but bank negara was some kinda try-luck thingy so it wasn't too bad...then there was jardine scholarships...which i didn't manage to get through to the second interview..but even if i did i wouldn't be entitled to it then cuz i'm not accepted to oxford now...ok..so the main point was why was the latest failure the worst of all? first, because it wasn't a scholarhip...it was an application to a higher education institution and that's very different..so failing that means u can't study there whereas the thing with scholarship is that you may still be able to study there but you will then need to fritter away your own precious funds...secondly, also the more important point, is that i really love maths...and yes you heard me maths, i love you!! sounds like a maniac but that's the plain truth...it really does mean a lot to a person when he/she is being appreciated or recognised for something and that something is truly his/her passion...seriously it really does...without fail i can always find a niche of my own doing maths and not to mention the inherent ecstatic feeling i get when i solved mind-boggling maths questions..i worked hard for maths and i willingly did so and thus the perfect reward for me is to be recognised and to continue my passion in a highly regarded institution for the subject i love...so being rejected by oxford IS really something to me...i am sad of course with the repetitive dashing of hopes but this time round it reveals so palpably how important maths is to me and to excel in it ...well at least now i know that i am so right about choosing a mathematical course...

and yes as usual i'll grieve for sometime and bearing in mind the words of console by my loved ones.......