first time punching card
first time willingly self-force to be on time
first JOB

It isn't too bad, the job. The only thing i hate about it is having to get up so early and to be there by 730. So much like the life back in school. I walk to the place when there are only streaks of peach lining in the sky, just like the other students that can still hardly open their eyes, only difference is that i am not uniform clad.
Handling primary schoolers. that's my work. So basically i check their homeworks, give them some tuition on bm, bi, maths and science. And occasionally i have to do some translating work, from mandarin to english/bm or take care of kids in the kindergarten, just to help out. Truly an eye-opener, this job. These kids are so so pure, esp the 3 year olds, mere toddlers. They show so much of their emotions and character overtly, and the way they interact is so riveting. You just need to sit down there and i can guarantee you pure amusement. Notwithstanding, they can make your head throb in dire need of paracetamol. And to remember their names is never an easy job, cuz when u need to scream at them and you happen to scream the wrong name, u'll find the kid looking at you blankly for a sec, and then back to his/her mischief. Your almost croaky voice very much wasted.
And at 1230 i'll get my coveted daily release. I will be so so tired by then that a siesta straight after lunch becomes a necessity.

Btw, Yogazone's fine. Still prefer monasa yoga in Ss2 though.

Got my a levels results today. So besides the C i got for my econs 4, i'm very much pleased with it. Am glad that i fullfill all the conditions for my unis offer ;-)

I put up a night in the hostel yesterday. And being there brought me mixed feelings, which neither have words to make clear of nor are possible to verbalise. You know sometimes when ppl say that things change but ppl don't, i feel exactly the opposite. You go back to the same place, hoping to recollect the same feelings you've once had there, but to realise however hard you try it would be to little avail. I've always hoped that i could be like the characters in movies, because when they recall past happenings, they will be able to hear the exact words that've been said(by the exact voice) at the exact spot. I think i'm very much able to visualise what used to happen when i look at the place, but never to hear those words, though i remember them. It would be cool if you can have the total uncut replay of something, especially those that have made you laugh so hard that you cried.

If only i can bend time and space...

Nov 19 2006

[Selina dyeing my streaks of hair red in nabila's room. The once messy room is now cruelly cleared]

by nabila J

[me] i'm going to apply to UTAR
[mum] why?
[me] they have the course actuarial science there.

then the silence, one where so much of thoughts were invading our minds it was hardly even silence for us.

[mum] you are going to UK. i'll make sure of it. YOU-ARE-GOING.

I left the room almost instantaneously, not wanting her to see my damp cheeks.

Just how can someone love me so much?

CNY 07 with buddies

BBQ At ShuLin's new place.

020307

I had to run cuz it was captured on self-timer, thus the weird position

Started off with a peace

then to a love (Inn's head protruding)

then a weird octagon from christinal

finally a perfect love, with no signs of hsieh ni whatsoever.

the pursuit of happYness

It's a beautiful story. Not to mention that it's a real one.

Will Smith was such an influential character and i can TOTALLY feel the happYness

I was to the brink of tearing.

OK fine. Well I was actually over the parapet.

and little Christopher was a real charm.

you HAVE to watch this. SERIOUSLY. Just go watch it.

[I'd never thought that this song raised so much of a controversy, a good song nevertheless]

Forgive, sounds good

Forget, I’m not sure I could

They say time heals everything

But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt

There’s nothing left for me to figure out

I’ve paid a price

And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice

I’m not ready to back down

I’m still mad as hell and

I don’t have time to go round and round and round

It’s too late to make it right

I probably wouldn’t if I could

‘Cause I’m mad as hell

Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said

Can’t you just get over it

It turned my whole world around

And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby

With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’

It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her

Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger

And how in the world can the words that I said

Send somebody so over the edge

That they’d write me a letter

Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing

Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice

I’m not ready to back down

I’m still mad as hell and

I don’t have time to go round and round and round

It’s too late to make it right

I probably wouldn’t if I could

‘Cause I’m mad as hell

Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I’m not ready to make nice

I’m not ready to back down

I’m still mad as hell and

I don’t have time to go round and round and round

It’s too late to make it right

I probably wouldn’t if I could

‘Cause I’m mad as hell

Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good

Forget, I’m not sure I could

They say time heals everything

But I’m still waiting

DREAM GIRLS

Jennifer Hudson was seriously SERIOUSLY awe inspiring. Her voice i mean. Maybe a little of her cheeky disposition.

AFterall, she got me stop crunching my apple for the whole 3+ minutes, when she liberated possibly everything off her chest.

and trust me, u have to see beyonce sing the song 'listen' in the movie. This version is simply way overwhelming than any others. Especially with the look from her eyes that pierced right through curtis, to make him take back the words "no depth" that hurted her more than anything else ever could.

LISTEN

Listen, to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but cant complete
Listen, to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning to find release
Oh the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own all 'cause you wont listen
Listen, I am alone at a crossroad
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried to say whats on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You dont know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I thought had died so long ago
Oh Im screaming out and my dream to be heard
They will not be pushed aside or burned
Into your own all 'cause you won't listen
Listen, I am alone at a crossroad
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried to say whats on my mind
You should have know
Oh now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now i've gotta find my own
(bridge)
I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, If you won't
Listen, to the song here in my heart
A melody I started
But I will complete
Now i'm done believing you
You dont know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me
But now I gotta find my own
My ooown

guilt

a simple yet powerful word

that sometimes permeates every inch of you

and you would totally give in without even being asked to

though with forgiveness the guilt lives on

it may haunt you or

it may be a mild cut that will never heal

a thought that can bring you down so low

even when you think you've lived off the guilt

for those who've gotten the forgiveness pined for

lucky you

but things may never be the same

faith and trust are always hard to earn

but ironically way easier to lose

and once lost might nv be regained

not in the purest form at least

for those who are nv granted forgiveness

or more appropriately not granted the chance to deliver their apologies

sanity brings you nothing but hell of torments

you wish to alter the past

to save yourself from the void you've unwillingly brought into existence

to wipe the guilt from your life

and most importantly

to bring the person back

you would be puzzled at the things you'd done

wondering what thoughts were blotching your mind at that time

or were you even sane at all?

you would resent yourself for the decisions you'd made and thus the way you'd behaved

thinking that they were so not credible(for the present day)

and that

even a wrecking ball banging constantly like a metronome at the side of your head that time

would knock you inTO nothing near sanity

miss you, grandma

and i would do anything, ANYTHING

just to spend one more day with you

to savour the seemingly everlasting moments

to see you smile

beAutiFuL

AT Dong Zen's

mum and dad in the pic ;-)

~240207~

i guess it's still not too late to wish all chinese a happy chinese new year ahead?

The intensity of my desperation for a job is overwhelming!! God that can be very depressing. Only now do i know how awfully the jobless are tormented looking at the rate of even a person who is in dire need of a job but not for survival ( me that is) is suffering. Hmm..and yes we're talking about malaysia where the unemployment rate is relatively low. Well that itself would be a significant deterrent to migrate wouldn't it.? Ah...forgive me for my endless crap.........
Went to coll today for some photoshoot for the year book and met most of my coll mates..it's been less than a month since we last met but it seemed longer. weird it is how sometimes the time passed by just didn't seem to be consistent...it's perfectly accountable when we say time flies when we're having fun but sometimes when you can hardly define the time you're having (neutral i guess) the time's somehow cheating on us and not being truthful by ticking seconds away consistently. It has either moved faster or slower, and without us noticing it as we have entrusted the heaviest responsibility to time even before the existence of human. oh no before the human? then i guess we're already doomed to be manipulated by TIME since we first existed. Just random ramblings folks...

watched a couple of movies lately...well some aren't THAT lately...night in the museum, confession of pain, curse of golden flower, babel, the holiday, blood diamond, stranger than fiction. would strongly recommend the holiday and blood diamond, just simply superb. Can't wait to finish my cleaning work so i can grab myself some snacks, throw myself on the bed and enjoy the illusionist and dream girls. hehe.

People born on 8 - 17 and 26 of any month, are characterised by what known as number eight personalities. The planet Saturn is your ruler, a slow-moving planet and is considered as the giver of pain and misery, also Saturn is the governor of your own temperament. Although eight is the number of confidences, the life of eight people is full of ups and down and terrible struggles and changes. You will see a lot misfortune in life, but you are really brave and can face calamities with confidence. Eight people are of meditative nature, sincere worker, honest and reliable. Your nature is grave, polite and submissive. For so long you are a helper to somebody, serve him in every way and give him shelter. But when you are angry with somebody, then your personality takes the form of a cyclone and you decide to finish him. Inwardly you are soft, but outwardly you are hard like rock. You are a good friend, good relative, good neighbour and a good spouse too.

Hmm...80% true i guess ;-)

I do like staying at home, enjoying the pleasure of having the whole house to myself and most importantly, some peace. But too much of something still won't do anyone any good, and i really need to get out of the house, hit the mall or whatever, just to get myself busy. Yes, just anything to deprive me of the time spent pondering over things.

commencement of my longest break ever

it's been busy BUSY cleaning house since my graduation from alevels...CNY IS COMING!! it's both exciting and empty at the same time...exciting cuz the thought of getting angpaos and just anything bout CNY will induce the production of any positive hormones i have...even the noisy and irritating at some point CNY songs...cuz it really does perk up the hustling bustling mood for ushering a new year...and the thoughts of shaking my legs and no nagging from parents truly gives me the full drive to clean the house( though it's only valid for 15 days)...so, it can be ironically empty as it has been for the past two years cuz sis and bro won't be around...and when the house's so empty i will keep thinking back how it used to be when there were five of us...sis would be frantically doing all the last minute cleaning with mum while i'd be shaking legs writing some chinese caligraphy and watching those oh-my-which-one-to-choose shows/ movies aired...bro would be preparing to play the firecrackers, some of which he 'invented'...dad would be preparing stuffs for prayers...oh my, even at this moment, just the thought of all these can really trigger my emotional side...miss you lots che and ko!!*sigh*
so besides cleaning, of lately i din really do much...searching for a job now...desperately need one( with good pay)...check up yogazone..most prob joining in march...really can't wait to start yoga classes again and to expose myself to pilates as well...managed to meet up with my klang kaki's last sat...it was so nice just to hang around and update with each other...everytime i see them they do change a little but still nevertheless the same somehow...we're still LOUD basically...went play badminton with some of them today...so now am freaking tired...so tat's all for now...
tata ;-)

moveD on..stOpped by..and movIng on agaiN - it's just the way life worKs

it's one of those days when i feel like i'm dreaming and everything regardless of how i'm feeling just go on as they normally do..they don't stop...they nv do anyway..like when i finished national service and the sudden change back to my life at home was a bit dramatic..no more waking up at five..no more physical trainings and classes...and most importantly no more seeing my buddies in ns everyday..it's the end and you just have to move on...but before i could mentally move on..i missed the life there badly..yes even the boring classes..unless i get myself very busy...i will still think a lot bout it...and now i'm feeling exactly the same...it's been both shockingly fast and long at the same time, a levels...life in coll...and when my friend told me after my last paper on friday that this is finally the formal end of our a levels, i still din absorb the fact cuz i was basically TOO absorbed with the damn DAMN econs paper..but now i really do...i keep thinking things that happened in coll+hostel this one and a half year...the orientation day..the first class( it's sheila's class!) ..prom...class trips...hostel life..but if i were to move out of hostel now the effect of the aftermath will definitely be greater...
coll life has been an interesting journey...know loads of new friends..gain lots academically( obviously ).. try new things..perception much wider now...and i think i've grown up and matured more as well...knowing more about people and how to deal with them...and know how to control my FINANCES better...cuz staying outside really makes u budget better(and a bit more stingy as well hehe)....but one sad thing bout coll was that i din really get to do a lot of sports...thus in that sense i still very much prefer my life in secondary school...

feel like ending the post with something motivating ;-)

NEVER GIVE UP
stick to the fight when you're hardest hit - it's when things seem worst that you musnt quit

Little minds are tamed and subdued by misfortune:
but great minds rise above them

REVIEW YOU PLANS
when obstacles arise, change your direction to reach your goal, not the decision to get there

A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials

BELIEVING IN YOUR SELF
always remember that your own resolution to succceed is more important than anything else-abraham lincoln

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill.

In the room of 200, he asked,

"Who would like this $20 bill?"

Hands started going up.

He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.

He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.

He then asked,

"Who still wants it?"

Still the hands were up in the air.

Well, he replied,

"What if I do this?"

And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.

He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.

"Now, who still wants it?"

Still the hands went into the air.

My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson.

No matter what I did to the money,

you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.

It was still worth $20.

Many times in our lives,

we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt

by the decisions we make

and the circumstances that come our way.

We feel as though we are worthless.

But no matter what has happened or what will happen,

you will never lose your value.

Dirty or clean,

crumpled or finely creased,

you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.

The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know,

but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE.

You are special - Don't EVER forget it.

"Count your blessings, not your problems. "

LoNg dAy

it's been a really really long day today...went to the GIC scholarships interview in malacca which means that i got up around four thirty and left klang at five thirty sharp..slept through most of the journey..and was so freaking tired that i got to grab a choc bar before i went to the hotel..felt so much better after that...god chocolate really does miracle to me man...
It started off with an introductory talk by the personnel dept director himself, which i found very informative...now i can understand why they can accept having freshies from engineering courses working in the financial field...a totally unrelated field from what they've been exposed in uni's...cuz in the end it's how fast the mind works and responds that really matter...especially when we're talking bout the volatile financial mkts...so having other degrees like engineering or computer science is actually an extra edge because you'll have the extra technical knowledge besides the ability to analyse things, which such graduates can do very well....so my advice to ppl still deciding on a course...sciences are still better and take you further..unless you really hate sciences or you are really confident in say, reading law or architecture, taking a science course is arguably the safest ( especially engineering)...
So the whole process of testing the candidates was quite thoroughly done..each will have two interviews and four tests...verbal and numerical tests was horribly done basically...i was guessing most of the time and i couldn't finish so i just ticked the answer randomly( 60 questions in 30 minutes for each paper)...personality test was fine..something like those quizzes u can get online to define yourself..then the last one wasn't really a test...we were to write a paragraph of less than 100 words in 5 minutes about erm...can't remember the exact question but it's something like EQ is more important than IQ....and one new thing that i discover today is that i can actually crap A LOT....haha...and it was fun crapping cuz you won't get all up tight..but of course the rate of crapping and the rate of impressing the interviewer are always negatively correlated...haha...
though tiring it was fun and worth the trip down to malacca...saw my junior from convent pei shan ..then made a couple of new friends...to wrap it all, an interesting day it was.... and now looks like my plan to study m2 tonight will have to wait...a full recharge is badly in need now...chiaoz~~

ToRn bY strING of THORNS

eXACtly like when i revisited the website to confirm my unsuccessful application for jpa scholarship, i did the same for my oxford application...but the subtle difference with this time round is that it hit me way harder...i was much calmer when i reconfirm the news at ucas and did a little thinking why was the news so hard to stomach...and i figured out...at least i think i did....well asean scholarship was some sort of recognition that i can tolerate with insane level of stress and 'kiasusm' and therefore it was my prior goal back in secondary school to be able to blend myself in those scary junior colleges in spore....and failing the application did hit me quite hard as it was a 'long-term goal' and securing a merit award wasn't something i wanted (merit awards only includes the tuition fees)..so moving on...next was jpa scholarships and bank negara scholarships... was quite sad about not getting jpa after the interview but bank negara was some kinda try-luck thingy so it wasn't too bad...then there was jardine scholarships...which i didn't manage to get through to the second interview..but even if i did i wouldn't be entitled to it then cuz i'm not accepted to oxford now...ok..so the main point was why was the latest failure the worst of all? first, because it wasn't a scholarhip...it was an application to a higher education institution and that's very different..so failing that means u can't study there whereas the thing with scholarship is that you may still be able to study there but you will then need to fritter away your own precious funds...secondly, also the more important point, is that i really love maths...and yes you heard me maths, i love you!! sounds like a maniac but that's the plain truth...it really does mean a lot to a person when he/she is being appreciated or recognised for something and that something is truly his/her passion...seriously it really does...without fail i can always find a niche of my own doing maths and not to mention the inherent ecstatic feeling i get when i solved mind-boggling maths questions..i worked hard for maths and i willingly did so and thus the perfect reward for me is to be recognised and to continue my passion in a highly regarded institution for the subject i love...so being rejected by oxford IS really something to me...i am sad of course with the repetitive dashing of hopes but this time round it reveals so palpably how important maths is to me and to excel in it ...well at least now i know that i am so right about choosing a mathematical course...

and yes as usual i'll grieve for sometime and bearing in mind the words of console by my loved ones.......

I would have failed ;-)

sTudYing HaRd

great. JUST GREAT.


I couldn't go to the Malaysian Open (Proton Malaysia Super Series) last year cuz it's way too far.


This year it's at SBKL Cheras :-)


and i am grounded.


damn DAMN the exams :(



ps: for those who're interested, the tourney draws is available here ;-)

http://www.internationalbadminton.org/draws.asp

h3r3 c0m35 0903+1221-0121+02(2x1)

alRight!! here comes the semangat to welcome the new year!! Ok..erm one thing sad about the new year is that january will mark the official end of my a-levels education..sad sad...well it's just a shuffling to another phase of my life..so how has been my 2006? as usual there has been ups and downs...but more of the former and i'm grateful for everything that was in-stored for me to make the ride of 2006 an exciting one..well not that there has been any whackingly prominent changes but there has been some significant ones of which i'm rather pleased with....Spent lotsa time in hostel+college...which very well explains the unbreakable bond i've developed with my closely knit hostemates..i got to know my collegemates better as well...trips of ice skating ain nothing new to us anymore...and i got the chance to do rock-climbing too...special thanks to azraai , ken and duresh..tried sheesha as well..and not forgetting the time when i played catching with coll mates and hostel mates in midvalley after mid-night( it was DAMN fun...sweet memories)...and yes one of great things was that i got to know a few good vb players cuz i played in a new team with completely different members(except fen)for the selangor u-20 open tournament...i was worried at first cuz i have never played with any other members as a team and i was totally unacquainted of their individual styles..and setter can never afford that...but we made a great team and managed to pull through to be in the fourth place, when we did not expect anything...miss them lots and really hope to play with them more often..no offence ya convent kaki's...also i had my first chocolate buffet!! it was just purely heavenly and even the thought of it now gets me drooling..YUM YUM!!

so, it will be long b4 i brace myself for a higher calibre of brain-cracking+tormenting businesses in sept...hence the need to plan well for the first three quarter of my 2007....hmm...so what are my plans..or more importantly, what about my new year resolutions?

without MUCH effort i can list down the things i want (hope) to achieve.. hehe... afterall there's HARDLY any trouble listing HARD resolutions.. but will still try my very best for regrets are one of things i can HARDLY tolerate...so here u go,

1. REally hope to find a great job with good pay ; preferably working in some gift/souvenir shops for a few months so can pick up some crafts ( not for long though, just sufficient for me to learn something new) : might then switch to some other appealing jobs...searching for jobs will start right after i finish my a levels finals.. hehe...

2. Continue my piano lessons; will make sure i take and PASS my grade eight practical this time..and hope to learn to play by ear.. most probably will get the books and learn myself if it's possible...courses are way too pricy.

3. Continue my yoga lessons; will try pilates and other fusions of yoga and pilates as well.

4. Learn some languages ; mum suggested japanese which's quite appealing..always wanted to speak japanese... foreign languages just somehow amaze me..probably cuz i couldn't understand them hehe...

5. Learn to play the most heart warming woodwind instrument- flute.

6. Control my temper. The incorrigibly impatient me shall diminish and hopefully u'll see the new mild-mannered suzhen.(possibly attributable to watching too much of boliling point hehe)

7. Meet up with all my friends more often, especially my klang kaki's cuz i hardly spend any time with 'em all through my a levels as i was in kl most of the time...and will always meet up with my hostelmates as well..coll mates not excluded *wink wink*....

8. Spend more time with mum. Mum was practically alone at home most of the time when i was busy in kl.


SEriously hope i can achieve all of the above...nothing's too tough though...practical resolutions are far more motivating and exciting at the same time...o' right, to all people on globe, have a

Great*Riot-free*Epidemic-free*
Action-packed*Triumphant 2007

may all live in peace~~ smiles~~

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